Chapel Hill, NC: In a revealing study, graduate student Dale Bitch has shown that mRNA of yeast is in fact GREEN. The study is the culmination of years of work and cost the taxpayers an estimated 2 million dollars; 80 percent of which was spent on beer.

"When I saw it was green, I said ‘Shit, it’s green!’" said Kerry Blume (Bitch’s graduate advisor and the unfortunate illegitimate child of author Judy Blume and survivor of Bloom’s syndrome). Blume went on to comment "I mean red I could understand, but green?"

Bitch’s discovery will mark the first ever live observation of the color of something that everyday people don’t care about. In a press conference, Bitch , while fighting back tears, thanked the Miller Brewing Co., and other members of his lab including Julie Conman, Paul Matlock, Clare Watereddown-Stogie, Dung Thower, Elaine Will-Work-for-Food Yeh, Bonnie The-Terminator Howell, and some guy named Ted.

After the press conference ended, Ted was heard mumbling something about being Mad too and "what the hell does this have to do with kinetochores?" People were careful not to attract his attention.

When asked what he’ll do next, Bitch said he would like to receive the Nobel Prize for useless information and retire on the honorarium. However, Kerry Blume has other ideas for his star student, " I think we should examine the color of other things people don’t care about, like politics or Duke University." Others attending the press conference expect Bitch to drink heavily and continue to "waste taxpayers money."

This is not the first report of useless information from this lab group, earlier this year Matlock published a paper on yeast mating behaviors, a topic only slightly less obscure than the focus of Julie Conman’s research, Cytokinesis.

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